R+
That's what we've called it all these years.
“Hey my love, I need a bit of R+ please!”
R+ stands for positive reinforcement. In our case, it’s usually linked to some recognition and thanks for an unnoticed domestic contribution.
Many years ago, somewhere along the line, we luckily worked out that we were expecting the other to be all seeing and all knowing: occasionally telepathic as well. Chances of getting what you want increase hugely when you name them, “I need you to recognise that I’ve done this ____ for the team. I’ve taken one for the team.”
Of course the child in us wants our beloved to just notice and say how completely amazing we are. But this ain’t how it happens!
How it usually happens is we do something extra because we know our partner is tired or they’re struggling at the moment because of work/family/friend challenges etc. Or just because. So we think to ourselves, “I’m going to pick up the slack. I’m going to do this for them and for us, to lighten the load.” And because they’re struggling or tired or not very good at noticing, we get missed; our efforts get missed. Or maybe we’re just carrying our normal load and it feels harder than usual and we stop and say to ourselves, “All this load I’m carrying, it’s so very heavy and it never gets noticed”.
This is an example of something called extinction – we do something with the expectation of R+ and we get nothing back, nada! De rien! This is not good, especially if it continues long term as eventually we will stop doing the extras. And our generous gestures or even just our usual, ordinary load sharing will slip, then tip into a resentful coat of armour and worse, a slew of criticisms.
How did that happen? Well, that’s another post. For now, let’s focus on how to nip the resentment in the bud and take off that coat! Quickest way? Call out for some R+. “Hey honey, did you notice I cooked dinner three times in a row this week? Put out the bins, did the shopping, made you lunch, picked up the kids and took them too…Just sayin’”. Hopefully, your partner’s response will be a genuine giving of appreciation.
Another favourite of ours…the kitchen fairy. Hey honey, the kitchen fairy has been again! How magical is that?! Make a joke out of it. You’re not virtue signalling. You’re just asking for a real and valid need to be acknowledged for your care, your energy and your work.
If your partner asks you for R+ then follow the advice of Meister Eckhart and say a heartfelt thank you. Do not counter with a competitive list of all the things you have done (and that you obviously feel you did not get any R+ for!). Do however, bookmark this impulse internally, for your own request for R+ another day.
Sometimes it’s really hard to ask for R+. It doesn’t come naturally for many of us. Interestingly, it’s easier to blame our partner for not noticing than to take the responsibility of asking for some R+.